i wrote this a long time ago. i like it and so here it is.
It was very late at night when I noticed. I dropped to my knees and cried until I could cry without crying. And then I looked up and saw it, in fragmented whole, I cried out, I sunk to my knees and sat. Before me I saw it and every person I had ever known, and my heart ached to touch them again. I saw every girl I thought of in love staring me in face. I felt the jubilation of a first hand held and the sorrow of what could have been that night too many nights ago. I felt the pang of the heartbreak of not being returned what I had given, but a choke of smile that was returned at every movement. I saw every person who I was scorn to, and guilt flooded my eyes, a self loathing of self I could not remove from my shoulders. I saw every loved one I had loved and I was scared that they were in the light and not facing it with me. The glow was so beautiful though I could not keep myself but to cry. So I cried again at the beauty of my anguish, awash in light. Thousands of lights crept to my fingers, pulling at me. I heard the laughter that makes you cry when you hear it, but all I could do was smile. And then I saw those people again and could not contain my joy. I shouted, I shouted until I could not shout myself down I was so loud. My voice rang out strong and loud and I could not hear myself except for my voice. I ran, jumped up, ran and yelled in joy, I smiled in euphoria and I cried fat tears of tears, not knowing their purpose. I ran up to each one person and yelled at them, and jumped with them and joyed with them. It was so happy I could not contain myself, so I yelled some more. They were all there happy with me, jumping and yelling loudly. I ran and jumped and cried and ran and cried and jumped and sat down in front of the light. It was blazing with the people, I was blazing with joy. I could not contain myself, my tears were so wet, I was jumping out of my tears, I was everywhere in emotion and everything in place, I felt the hanging feeling of falling and the weightlessness of a precipice. I stood on the edge of euphoria. Oh and I yelled. I yelled forever and then yelled and the sun yelled and the world and the light yelled and I was happy. So I fell back and laughed and smiled and thought of the light and the things I had done and would do. I laid back and laughed and yelled till I slept and I slept with the happiest dreams, the ones where you feel awake in life. Oh it was joyous to be alive in my dreams. It was joyous to live, to life. I was not afraid of the light anymore and of the sadness in tears. I wasn’t afraid, I was happy and ready. So I yelled again and smiled again and laughed again and cried again and thought again and loved again and lived again.
do you know how difficult it is to describe the multitude of human existence? to know a girl named tori schmitt who you’ve always thought was a little bit cute and has pink eyeglass frames? to drink a glass of whiskey and talk to friend too far away in more than one sense of the word?
its so difficult that people watch movies of constructed realities and tv shows about being twentysomething and get passed as art because they have thrilling soundtracks. what about the idea that soundtracks exist at all? doesn’t that sound like the most difficult life to lead?
i cant really describe it any other way. there is simply more than bodies moving through time and yet my textbook can’t stop telling me that rauschenberg spoke in indexes. and that i listen to the velvet underground and that my only satisfaction derives from the fact that i am a body moving through time. its enough to make a grown male dye his hair and get upset when his earbud breaks.
the only way i can make sense of it is long showers and blowdrying my hair or telling myself im gonna go for a jog tomorrow. thats how difficult it is to even grasp the simple act of turning off my phones alarm every morning (but i always set two because i love the idea of sleeping in another 30 minutes).
there was once a man who said there was a multitude of universes inside of me and i just cant help but wonder when am i gonna see that? because right now im on episode 10 of season whatever on netflix. do you know how hard that is? life is beautiful and i am struggling not because i cant find it but because there are at least a dozen more parties i need to be at before i die. or that i cant steal your pillowcase and take it with me.
everything is burning burning and im walking to class across grass that is cordoned off.
i learned to play backgammon this morning
and my mother found letters from old boyfriends
she wonders if he still lives in bogota
and adds the stamp to her collection
i turn off all the lights in my house
and grope in the dark
proudly remembering there are 7 not 6 steps
even though i always miss the bannister
i morally digest failed relationships
in the shower after too much ice cream
i brush my teeth with a borrowed toothbrush
and promptly forget to go to bed early
but im happy
driving in a car at sunrise
remembering better car rides
with someone else picking the music
there is a rug beside my bed
on which i have stood
four foot three and five foot ten
i have dug my toes into it
since ages five and twenty
and it has never once
remarked at how tall i have grown
i have taken off girls blouses upon it
and pants and underwear and bras
i have been in love with others
upon its threads and off
i once cried upon it when my dog died
and tore at its edge
it did not do anything
but rest softly
it will one day be sold
rolled up or thrown away
and i will forget it
and it will forget me
it will have held hairs
and been soaked by my tears
it will have touched hands
and the bodies of those i loved
but it will decompose
in a garbage heap
beneath a tree
we will be apart for centuries
we may never meet again
but with all my heart
i hope my atoms find it someday
and we rest upon each other
friends far removed
reunited once again